Love Lessons

If you’re just out of a relationship, or you’re a single woman keen to meet someone knew, there’s no better time to read ‘Suddenly Single’ the latest book by private investigator, author, and media celebrity, Julia Hartley Moore.

Relationship breakdowns are no fun. We’ve all been there – the tears, the drama, the questions, the two litre tubs of triple chocolate swirl ice cream we devour to ease our pain. We agonise over where it all went wrong . We wonder if there really is true love out there for us, and are probably more than a little concerned about having to re-negotiate the dating minefield.
Julia Hartley Moore’s new book Suddenly Single, is packed with helpful, practical information for women going through this difficult time whether they find themselves single through the death of a spouse, divorce, desertion or a broken relationship. But don’t expect a soft message because Julia is refreshingly honest, and not afraid to tell it like it is, despite today’s politically correct environment. “I’ve been accused of being a little hard on women in this book but that’s just what many women need. They tend not to learn by their mistakes and make far too many excuses for the men in their lives. Yet men aren’t as difficult to read as we make them out to be. If a guy doesn’t want to call you, he’ll give you all the signs under the sun, but women will still come up with reasons and excuses why he hasn’t.  I think women’s behaviour is something that has to change. The truth is often quite simple, but we tend to make it all so complicated.”
Suddenly Single was released in June to rave reviews and excellent sales. It has given Julia her second New Zealand top ten non-fiction best sellers entry, following the earlier success of Infidelity – exploding the myths.
Julia says most women have had experience with the good, the bad and the ugly in relationships. “I really believe that you have to have known a bad man once or twice to appreciate a good one.”
Once a woman has worked through the emotional, physical and financial aftermath of a terminated relationship, she suggests that they invest time in themselves before looking for love again. “Many women say they love themselves, but inside they truly don’t. It’s so important to invest that time in yourself, and to get to the stage where you can absolutely stand alone and feel one hundred percent fantastic, whether you have a man in your life or not.”
Julia has been single for seven years herself. “I’m as happy as a pig in mud on my own. I think that being content on your own is a wonderful, powerful place to be. I often laugh at myself, shaving, waxing and tanning, and it’s only me that sees it, but I’m doing it just for me.”
When it comes to dating, Julia believes women should put on the brakes, take their time, and swing back to some good old-fashioned values. “Women need to stop acting like they can’t live without a man, as men who use women for sex have an antenna for weakness, and know just what to say to get what they want. So many women give sex away while they’re looking for love, but if they don’t give in too soon they will find out what type of guy he really is. A man who truly wants to be with a woman will always wait. It comes back to what you think of yourself and the value you put on yourself. If you don’t value yourself – why would anybody else?”
When she founded Arbeth & Co Ltd in 1996, Julia became the first woman to own a private investigation company in New Zealand. Her boutique investigation agency now works throughout Australasia, and internationally, on private, Family Court, criminal and commercial investigations. But it is uncovering infidelities for which is Julia is most well-known, especially after her appearances on television shows Private Investigators and How’s Life. She says she is often asked what it is like to tell someone their partner has been unfaithful. “Most of our clients already know it in their heart – that’s why they approached us in the first place. They usually just want someone independent to go out there and confirm what their intuition is telling them. Many have often already confronted their partners about their fears, and have been told that they’re going mad, so they seek the evidence and proof that their partner will not be able to deny.”
Julia reckons she can tell within three minutes of a conversation with someone whether or not they are playing around. “I’ve heard all the same stories over and over, and have learnt so much about human behaviour after so long in this business.” Her expertise in human nature, relationships and infidelity issues sees Julia in demand as a public speaker and seminar presenter. She is a regular columnist for women’s magazines and studio guest for radio stations throughout New Zealand, Australia and the USA.
She is excited about her new project, Affinities, an exclusive introduction agency for business and professional people who are looking for likeminded people to spend time with. “I’m still in the planning stages, but intend to hold a relaxed gathering for 20 women and 20 men where they can mingle over a glass of wine and nibbles. I haven’t advertised it yet, but I’ve already got lots of lovely women interested and a couple of nice guys.” Julia believes every centre needs a place where genuine, discerning people can meet. “I’ve talked to men who use the dating agencies or the internet dating sites to find a different woman to sleep with every week. I won’t be allowing any of those ratbags at Affinities.”
With Julia’s skills at flushing out “ratbags” it’s hard to imagine they would stand a chance.
The battle of the sexes needn’t be a battle at all if men and women applied some common sense, she says. “Men and women like to be together, and most people want to be in a relationship. Women need to stop making it so difficult by overanalysing men all the time. Men open doors for us so they can check out our bottoms, and that’s just the way they are. We need to understand that they’re pretty basic creatures, who do want the same things we do – to be loved, cherished, honoured and adored. It is just worth taking that bit of extra time to make sure that you have found a good one.”

Julia’s Five Steps to Surviving a Broken Relationship

  1. Sit down and read Suddenly Single. Absorb the lessons and use it as a handbook so that when you finally return to the dating scene you will be ready to make valued decisions.
  2. Step back and allow yourself time to grieve.
  3. Don’t under any circumstances race headlong into another relationship by thinking it will help you get over the last.
  4. Spend a lot of time and effort on looking after yourself as you will not be in a place to love anyone else until you love yourself.
  5. You will need to be in a place where you are absolutely fine on your own so that any new relationship is the icing on the cake.